Buffy: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by samshair
Summary: Sick of BUFFY sneaking out at night? Want her to stop dating ANGEL from down the street? Read this handy manual and have all some of your questions answered! Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon, darn it!


Hey look, another one! Yes, Buffy! Let's see...who should I do next?

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Buffy: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated **BUFFY **unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your slayer, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

**Basic Information: **

**Name: **Buffy Anne Summers

**Date Of Manufacture: **January 19th 1981

**Place Of Manufacture: **Hellmouth Creations Los Angeles Division

**Height: **5'3"

**Weight: **About 95 lbs

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**Your BUFFY unit will come with the following accessories:**

A few casual outfits

Many pairs of shoes

A couple black numbers (for slay wear)

Assorted weapons

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When you first open your **BUFFY **unit, she may be suspicious. Show her your home, and tell her about yourself. She will warm up to you.

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**Programming:**

Your **BUFFY **unit is strong, fun, quite cute, and can carry out the following functions:

**Material Artist: **We won't ask you why, but **BUFFY**, being the slayer, can kick ass like no other. Got a problem with the neighbour? Don't like a teacher? Maybe **BUFFY** can help.

**Party Buddy: **Feeling lonely? Want to get your groove on? Something else? That's okay, because **BUFFY** will have no problem going to the local club to let loose. She can be a one way ticket to fun. Unless she's grumpy.

**Fashionista: **You could ask CORDELIA, but the BUFFY unit is just as functional when it comes to shopping. Take her to the mall. Get some nice clothes for the both of you.

**Someone to talk to: **What kind of a function is that, you may ask, however, if you're ever feeling down, the **BUFFY** unit is a great person to talk to. Trust us. She's had a lot of experience in the 'dating' category.

**Your BUFFY unit comes with six different modes:**

Friendly

Slayer

Sad

Hero

Angry

Love

The slayer mode is different from the hero mode no matter how similar they may seem. Slayer mode is activated on a nightly basis, when BUFFY will leave the house to patrol. Hero is activated when she slays to protect someone visible. (In a graveyard alone vs. in an alleyway with an 'innocent').

The friendly mode is default, unless **BUFFY** really hates you, for reasons such as: You are evil. You are Spike. Or the real kicker, you are evil.

Angry mode is activated when the **BUFFY** unit is faced with someone she doesn't like, is sick of being the slayer, or someone takes the last pair of on sale shoes. She will probably resolve the problem by slaying something, or finding a **WILLOW** unit to talk to.

The love mode is activated when your **BUFFY** unit is with either an **ANGEL** or **RILEY** unit. Commonly, you will know **BUFFY** is in love mode when she; stays in her room all night with a boy, talks to them in the day, has at least one momentum from them, and finally, when there is obvious heartbreak. The last effect usually signifies the end of the love mode.

**Relations with other units:**

**WILLOW ROSENBERG**: This unit is **BUFFY**'s best friend. They will always get along…for the most part.

**XANDER HARRIS**: This unit is also a best friend. We do not believe there has ever been problems between the two units.

**RUPERT GILES**: This unit used to be **BUFFY**'s watcher, and father figure. **GILES **may get annoyed with **BUFFY**'s carefree attitude at times, but they can resolve any arising problems quite quickly.

**ANGEL**: This unit used to be **BUFFY**'s lover, and so meetings between the two can be tense. DO NOT allow these units to (to put it bluntly) have sex. We want that to be EXTREMLEY CLEAR.

**ANYA JENKINS**: This unit, at first, did not like **BUFFY**, but her relationship with **XANDER** led to the two being friends.

**RILEY FINN**: This unit was also a boyfriend, who actually left **BUFFY** and ended up getting married. Meetings between the two can be even more tense than the ones with **ANGEL**, so if you haven't seen **RILEY** in a while, try to keep him away longer.

**DAWN SUMMERS**: **DAWN**, you will notice, is one of the **BUFFY** units top priorities. You do not have to worry about much more than a sibling squabble between these units.

**SPIKE**: Things can get ugly with a **SPIKE **unit in the house, as the units' relationship was, to say the least, strange. You watched the series, so it's up to you if you want the two units together.

**POTENTIAL SLAYES **set: This set includes five potential slayers. Their relationship with BUFFY units will be that such as a mentor/student one. Lodging may become an issue as you buy more **POTENTIALS** that are sold separately, however.

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**Cleaning: **The **BUFFY **unit is fully capable of cleaning herself. She will also keep the bathroom semi clean for you.

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**Energy: **The **BUFFY **unit will eat most of what you put in front of her, but she does like cheese quite a bit. Also, try to avoid fast food burgers.

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**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **My **BUFFY **unit came home today with a maxed out credit card and won't talk to anyone. Why?

**A: **We think she had some tough times with an **ANGEL** unit. Don't give her any more credit cards, and make her get a job to pay it off.

**Q: **My unit was just getting used to my house, when I found her in the bathtub, apparently drowned. Now my **XANDER** and **ANGEL** units are acting like they're hiding something from me. What the hell happened!?

\**A: **Someone must've invited the limited edition **THE MASTER** unit into your home. He drowned **BUFFY**, and **XANDER** brought her back to life. Nothing to hide. You must be paranoid.

**Q: BUFFY** is nailing crosses around my house, and getting my neighbour's **WILLOW** unit to perform strange spells. Did she flip and join a cult?

**A: **No. They're dealing with an **ANGEL **unit turned bad. Let them do what they must, or you might be food.

**Q: **My **BUFFY **unit and all the other units in my neighbourhood seem to have blown up the local high school. What do I do?

**A: **There was a giant snake…or something. The city will blame it on gas pipes, and you can ground **BUFFY**. Unless you went to that school and are happy it's finally gone.

**Q: **I don't want the **DAWN** unit that I got for my birthday, but **BUFFY **won't let me send it back. I can't afford two! Help me!

**A: **you're going to have to live with **DAWN**. Or you can send her back in the dead of night, but she screams really loud. If you want, there's a form you can fill out on our website. After you send away, You will find $500.00 conveniently mailed to you within the week for the **DAWN** unit's amenities.

**Q: **My unit is being really weird. She's claiming to love the **SPIKE **unit my friend has. And she looks kind of…well…more robot-y than usual. Is she rebounding for something?

**A: **No, but you must not have heard about the recall. Turns out we accidentally sent away a dozen **BUFFYBOT**s instead of regular **BUFFY**s. Lure her into a box and we'll send you the right one.

**Q: **My BUFFY unit thinks she's some girl named Joan. Did she hit her head on something?

**A: **She's forgotten who she is. Wait for her to remember or reset her.

**Q: BUFFY **got a job the other day, and she's really depressed about it. Should I make her quit?

**A: **She obviously needs money for something, so just let her be. If she wants to quit, she will.

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**Warranty: **With proper care, the **BUFFY **unit should live until the end of her days, or until she dies another supernatural death. Please DO NOT resurrect her another time, as she would not be happy with you.


End file.
